Blog

Hi all! So I haven’t been as super active with updating my website as I was before. Part of it was not knowing what to write about, but the other part is I have just been busy! Part of healing from my gastrits (which hasn’t fully gone away, but it is so much less disabling than it was before) also included better attending to my mental health. As part of this, I also learned that I have cPTSD. Actually, this was something I have known for a long time, but I guess I never fully acknowledged it or how much it affected my life.

I mentioned in a previous post, but last year I read “Unmasking Autism”. I loved the book and it helped me both 1.) Embrace that I am autistic in a positive way but also 2.) Brought up a lot of bad memories about how I have been treated differently all my life by both adults and peers for the way I am. I worked on accepting that my needs are different than most people, and that it is also okay to ask for those needs to be accommodated. But that's where I started to run into issues! I asked myself things like “What are my needs? What things can I ask of my close ones to help me feel more myself and be safe? What the fuck are boundaries and how do I set them? How do I even talk about these things at all without shutting down?” and that’s where I started to feel stuck.

While it is common for those who are autistic or have ADHD to experience trauma (especially if we were not diagnosed as kids), I don’t think trauma is talked about enough in these spaces. And it makes sense! We are already overwhelmed as hell trying to manage our sensory and functional needs, how the hell am I also supposed to unpack all this trauma? Am I unable to name my emotions because of the trauma or autism?? Who knows??

Currently I am on a waitlist for therapy. I am two and a half months into my four month wait. I think I mentioned it in a previous post? But I am going to a place nearby that is recommended by my LGBT community and has several trauma informed therapists. I am quite nervous tbh. I am excited to go back to therapy, but I am trying to not set unrealistic expectations. I know I won’t go for a few sessions and suddenly be healed. Heck I may not even click with the therapist I am given. But I am trying to be optimistic.

In the meantime I have been trying to do my best to educate myself and also experiment a little. I am trying to discover the areas I struggle in, along with where my strengths are. I want to go into therapy with at least some ideas of where I am struggling. I would say my 4F type is a combo of Freeze and Fawn. Freeze I am handling okay on my own, but Fawn is for sure where I am going to need to ask for help.

I recently replied to someone’s post on a subreddit for ways to work on the freeze without therapy, as unfortunately their insurance isn’t helping them. I am not at all claiming to be an expert here, but I did write a couple things that I have been doing that have been helpful to me and thought I should share them here as well. I have noticed changes where I am able to acknowledge and stay with my emotions longer, but also I am still dealing with that “stuck in my own head” feeling a lot. I feel like I think about how something I am doing should make me feel instead of actually feeling it in my body. I am the type of person who is always in my mind and uses facts instead of feelings, so the shift feels very strange and foreign.

That being said, I have been finding it helpful. I have been flooded with a lot of negative memories and flashbacks lately. Things that I had forgotten about, things that I never really accepted. They all feel like little swords stabbing into my skin, overwhelming me at times. But being able to say to myself “Wow it is awful I had to deal with that. That wasn’t right. That person was wrong to hurt me and I am valid in feeling hurt.” instead of blaming myself for being “weird” or “not speaking up”. I cry a lot now, after only letting myself cry at my absolute worst. I am the type of person who when I reach my limit can cry for hours, but now that I am letting myself cry more often, it feels so much easier to move on. Sometimes I step away, have a small sniffle for 30 seconds, and then instantly feel relieved and able to move on. It feels weird, but also good. A release.

All that out of the way, let me talk about some of the stuff I have been working on lately:

• Books: I am currently reading “Complex PTSD: From Surviving to Thriving” by Pete Walker and I absolutely cannot recommend this book enough. Walker has a very calm and soothing tone of writing that lets me take in the information without making me feel overwhelmed or scorned. He also does well to acknowledge that emotional abuse can be just as harmful as physical abuse (and even says the emotional abuse from his mother hurt him more than the physical abuse from his father, which I found interesting). I think this book is a good starting point for anyone who thinks that they have CPTSD and wants to know how it affects them and what they can start to do about it. After this I plan to read either “Healing the Shame that Binds You” or one of Peter Levine’s books on somatic experiencing.
• Youtube and Podcasts: I think Heidi Priebe was how I found out how much CPTSD affects my life. She has lots of awesome videos on healing shame and codependent attachment styles. I have gotten most of my reading list from her recommendations. I also like to listen to Forrest Hanson’s podcast. While the podcast is more general mental health, they have been releasing some episodes lately about childhood trauma. There are also some good videos explaining somatic experiencing. Another channel is The Crappy Childhood Fairy, but I have only watched one of her videos so far, so I can’t really comment on her yet.
• Journaling: I keep a daily gratitude journal. I love gratitude journaling and I do not agree with anyone who considers it “toxic positivity”. It helps me stop and recognize the good in life. Maybe a stranger was nice to me or I saw a cute doggy while out for a walk. It also gives me a chance to reflect on the day and notice if I am disassociated. If I sit down to write and can’t think of anything that happened that day (good or bad), that can be a sign to me that I need to ground and come back to my body. Every couple days I also do some journaling. I am a practicing Pagan and have been using shadow work prompts for this. You can easily find these on reddit or pinterest, or just searching “self reflection journal prompts”. I usually get a big list of them and use a random number generator to pick one out for me. If the prompt feels too overwhelming or I don’t think it relates to me, I let myself reroll, but I try not to reroll more than twice. I set a timer for 15 minutes and just let myself write my heart out. These tend to be a big release for me, so I try to only do it every couple days to not overwhelm myself
• Meditation: I am not the type of person who can just sit there for a long time. I get fidgety. Instead of sitting down for long meditations, I do 5 minute ones a couple times a day. Maybe I go sit on the porch and count the cars going by while taking in some deep breaths. I have some 5 minute meditations saved on my phone that I can do during a break at work. Just something to bring me back into my body, even if for a few minutes.
• Yoga: Yoga has been something I have done on and off for years, but I never really got it until recently. I would go through the movements, but I was so focused on trying to do the stretched right that I never focused on how they made me feel. Discovering trauma informed (yin) yoga has helped with this. It focused more on slow, steady movements and focusing on where you feel the stretch in your body. Sometimes the stretch feels uncomfortable (not to be confused with painful btw), but I am learning to sit with the discomfort and breathe through it. I often feel a huge release during or shortly after the session. There are lots of people on youtube who do this type of yoga, but I am currently following along with "Yoga with Adrienne" and "Caitlin K'eli Yoga".
• Other types of movement: I started following a 5 minute a day Tai Chi practice on youtube. I like the fluidity of the movement. I am not sure if it works for me as well as yoga, but I sometimes find myself moving my hands (or imaging I am moving them) when trying to do deep breathing to calm down outside of the practice, so I do think it soothes my body. I also have found dance meditation videos on youtube and I love these as well. Closing all the curtains, doors, and my eyes and just letting my body move with the music in the way it wants to move feels so freeing. Dance meditation is probably my biggest emotional release along with journaling at the moment. I wish I had discovered how healing dance can be sooner.
• Exercise: I have never been an intense exercise guy, and I don’t think I ever will be (and tbh high intensity workouts can be harmful for a lot of medical conditions, including some of the ones I have). However, there are still plenty of workouts out there for me. I personally love the “Walk from Home” series of workouts. They are simple to do, don’t require any extra equipment, and literally made for doing in small spaces. I am able to workout in the privacy of my bedroom. I also occasionally do 5-10 minute dumbbell and resistance band strength exercises. Pushing myself to complete one or two more reps while I breathe through it I think also is helping increase my stress tolerance.
• Getting outside: Every day I at least sit on the porch for a couple minutes, but if I can I like to spend more time than that. If I don’t want to leave the yard I read or tend to the garden. However, I try to go for a 30 minute walk each day that I can. I live in the city and don’t have my own transportation, so usually my walks are just around the neighborhood, but I try to make it to a nature trail whenever I can. I have also started walking dogs at the animal shelter once a week. I get to see cool dogs, get a workout, and the dogs get some of their energy out. A win win for sure.
• Getting out: This is the one I struggle with the most! (and I think most people do) There is stuff to do in my town to meet people. Part of it is lack of transportation, but also part of it is me. My LGBT group meets twice a month and I try to make it to at least one if my work schedule allows. A lot of times I kinda just sit in the back and color or do crafts, but everyone there is very kind and makes me feel welcome. I have been trying to meet up with friends more. I haven’t been actively attending as many events at the library lately, but I hope to start doing that more often again soon.
• Other odds and ends: I try to get a massage from the nearby beauty school once a month. I would love to do it more often if my budget allowed. I try to make sure my days still have downtime to just relax or do activties I enjoy. Crafts, painting, coloring, playing video games, doing lego sets, and the like. I tried ASMR and I tried so many videos, but I just don't think I like it. However, I stumbled accross a Reiki Healing ASMR and I rather enjoy that? I am not sure how much I really feel the "healing energies" on myself, but the watching the repetitive hand movements is pretty soothing. I have also been making space to enjoy my toy collections a little more. I get out my Monster High dolls and brush their hair and pose them. I set up silly scenes iny my Calico Critter house using LPS and Bluey toys. Sometimes the silly things can be the most relaxing.

And that’s kinda where I am at! This is a part 1 so I can add onto it later as I learn more I hope if you are someone who is struggling you might find help from this too Remember that what works for me might now work for you and that is okay. I am not an expert, I would never claim to be after a few months of self healing. But, I also love helping and sharing with others whenever I can. Also please do not push yourself to do any advice you see online if it sounds like it would be overwhelming or too much. For some people with heavier trauma who are still in an unsafe space, healing on your own can be too much. Take your time, go slow. It isn't a race. Stop and come back later if you have to. Just please know you aren’t alone out there. There are others like you, and there are people who want to help you and see you heal. Oftentimes it doesn’t feel like it, it feels like we live in an evil world who wants to kick anyone down who doesn’t fit the mold, but I promise there are people out there who care. I can’t promise I can make it better, but please reach out to me if you need it, even just to vent and let out some of that steam. I hope you have a beautiful day.