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Well it is now less than a week until Cohost goes into read only mode. I have still been feeling a lot about it. Not to sound dramatic, but I have been pretty dysregulated in general lately, and this hasn’t really been helping. I have found it harder to meet people online as I get older. When I was a teen and in my younger college years, I easily made friends on tumblr all the time. But unfortunately I had to leave tumblr, and ever since then I have been pretty lonely online. I would meet new groups and make distant friends, but it was rare for me to feel really involved with anyone or any group.

Cohost was different. If I am being real, the internet has kinda always been a shitty place. I saw awful things and talked to awful people when I was way too young to be doing that. A lot of the safety I feel now on the internet was not the way I felt online as a kid. Similar to what we are experiencing now, I always felt like I was in a hostile environment when I was on major websites, but felt a loving sense of community when I was in small groups and personal forums. Cohost was nowhere near perfect, and nothing can be, but it felt like a break from the rest of the internet. I grew a lot as a person over the past two years and I don’t think I could have as easily had that growth without Cohost and the people I met there.

I’ve been thinking about how I want to spend my time both on and offline now. I have been both trying to integrate new ideas/habits, while also trying not to overwhelm myself. Besides continuing to work on my websites, some of the goals I am trying are reading/studying more, practicing Japanese again, and physical therapy/body work.

I try to spend at least a little time reading every day, but I still feel like I go through reading in spurts. I will have a week or two where I am reading nonstop, and then a few weeks where I feel like I fight to get any reading done. The past few weeks I haven’t read much. I am caught up on most of the manga series I have been reading, and I am unsure if I really want to pick up anymore right now. I also think I have been reading too many CPTSD related books lately and that is contributing to my burnout.

I have been studying and practicing Paganism and witchcraft again. I have a solitary practice that is a mish mash of the things I hold dear to me. I have some books about witchcraft I am flipping around in right now, but I am also just trying to read some general study books. Gardening, making herbal infusions, myths and folklore, cookbooks and the like. Thankfully my library seems to have a good selection of books! I also recently grabbed a book on Druidry, but I haven’t started it yet. I don’t know a lot about Druidry, but from the base of what I know, it seems like something I would vibe with.

I am also studying Japanese again! It was my minor in college, but studying a language for a grade burnt me out and I had 0 interest in continuing my studies at the time. I have downloaded Duolingo a couple times only to use it for a week or two, but otherwise I haven’t done much in the 5+ years since I finished the program. Thankfully I still know how to read hiragana and I still remember a lot of the basic vocab and grammar. I don’t know what proficiency level I was when I graduated. We did take a proficiency exam, but it wasn’t the JLPT most people are familiar with. If I had to guess, I would say I would have passed N5, but not quite N4 back then. I don’t know if I have any particular goals for my current studying, but I think eventually I might like to work up to taking the N5 test. I don’t think I would actually take the test for real, but if I could pass a few practice test that would be enough for me.

Another thing I would like to work on is starting physical therapy again. I went to physical therapy for a few months in 2020 for a variety of issues, but one of my worst being pain in my upper back/shoulders. I was told back then that I had poor muscle tone there, and so we worked on building up some muscle there and throughout my body. I have been a lot more active lately with walking, yoga, qigong, and some light strength training, and I am noticing a lot more pain in my body than I think I should. I have been thinking about going back to PT, but something happened yesterday that made me decide it’s time. I have had a miserable knot in my left shoulder that I couldn’t get out. I went for a massage lately and the masseuse seemed surprised at how much tension was in my shoulders. She gave me some suggestions of things I can do at home. When I got home I had a letter in the mail from my health insurance offering me free PT over an app, and if I sign up I get a free massage gun. And well, I was thinking about buying a massage gun anyways, and it doesn’t hurt to try.

The biggest thing stopping me from going back to PT was the time commitment. The second was the money. When I went before, they wanted to see me at least twice a week for an hour each time. I often had to schedule on days to go either before or after work, which was a large strain on my already limited energy. Plus I don’t drive, so it meant arranging extra rides. Being able to do it at home, when it is convenient for me to do it, will probably make me more likely to stick with it. I did like the accountability that actually having to go in person gave me. If I think I am starting to have motivation issues I can always see about setting up some rewards for myself lol.

And that’s about it! Feels kinda long today. I am just kinda on vacation and bored waiting for my gf to wake up so we can go for a walk around town or something. Take care and have a lovely day.